The value of a stateless state of consciousness

I hate being kept awake at night by my dissatisfaction and restlessness as they relate to the state of things in my life. Eh, oh well. At least I got a new, faster motorcycle. It is orange. Vroom motherfuckers, vroom.

My Job...

...is boring as shit.

Wait, is "shit" actually boring? Hmmm, I must do some testing...

You are rather unattractive. Seriously...

Exercise: Friend, Enemy, Secret Lover

Hurray, back to the gym. My goal is to do 2 miles on the treadmill in a mix of walking/running every day Mon-Fri for two weeks. At that point I'm gonna start weight training once again and cut down the treadmill work a little. I've been having a hard time running though because I'm getting a pretty sharp nagging pain in the arch of my right foot. I can tough through it for a while, but it eventually hurts too much to run and makes my stride all goofy.

I also had another friendly reminder from life to eat shit yesterday. Once I got on the treadmill, I turned on my $300 MP3 player for it to decide it didn't want to work for me right then. Of course when I was done a half hour later and tried again, it came on no problem. Shocking....

Not much else going on at the moment. Standing up at a friend's funer....wedding on Saturday which will take away a whole lot of "me" time this weekend. Why must people inconvenience me with life? Maybe we'll start practicing music again after all the wedding hulabaloo dies off.

Music Is Medicine...

...for the heart, and for the mind.

I'm dealing with a lot of pressures at work right now and also dealing with a lot of internal dilemmas and depression, and listening to the first five songs of the Smoking Popes Live album makes it all disappear.

It doesn't make me forget my problems necessarily, as much as it allows me to have an emotional reaction to something. Some bands, and particularly, certain songs, will always have this effect for me.

Those songs just made me feel more joy in 10-15 minutes than I typically can feel in a whole week. They may be songs about depressing things, and maybe that's how I am so touched by them, but all I know is they give me peace. Unfortunately, i have to turn music off so I can focus on studying some more for my big work-related exam tomorrow.

I love music. I honestly don't think I would have made it through my life up to now without it.

A Friend's Assessment of Me

This was in an e-mail I received from a friend today in response to me joking about not standing up in a friend's wedding.


"As tempting as that sounds, I would feel rude doing that. Besides, I already put a downpayment. You on the other hand, have no morals or emotions, so you should be fine."


Sweet! Thanks pal !!!

Noooooooooooooo, more injuries ! (>.<)

So the Bears defense was already riddled with injuries to basically all of their key players. Now in the last game against Minnesota with 2:00 left on the clock the quarterback, Rex grossman, blows out a knee and is DONE for the season. This basically means the whole year is now officially fucked, just three weeks into it. Yet another simple weekend pleasure of mine torn up in front of me. (I know it's a much greater inconvenience to those directly hurt and involved, but I only live MY life, not theirs.)

The new Green Day album is pretty decent overall and was mixed by someone who obviously likes a very loud aggresive sound. The bass drum is very loud, and the guitars often sound like something that wants to kick your ass for personal reasons. I really want a new Dashboard Confessional album to come out. The more I listen to the last one, the more it hits me as just being a complete work of art. I wish my job was to listen to music like that all day.

The need for going to the gym is getting increasingly large in size.
I still need to get fitted for a tuxedo for my friend's wedding.
I have some work that needs to be finished soon.
I need to study for my exam on Oct. 19.
I want to go to Hawaii in November.
I want this work day to end.
I want more stuff.
I need less.

You take the wheel for a while, Mr. Durden....

I'm bored. I'm tired of studying for this test I'm taking in October to get "certified"-ish in my field of employment. Hopefully it can open some doors for me in the future at a place that pays me a lot better. I guess I make a pretty good buck here for someone my age with no meaningless paper representing a bunch of unused knowledge attained through countless credit hours of study. But I would like more.

Pay off existing credit cards. Check.
Pay off car loan. Check.
Go to Hawaii and find a job. Check.
Find new place to live. Check.
Sell car. Check.
Buy scooter. Check.
Have all my belongings shipped to my new residence. Check.
Eventually get a place right on the ocean. Check.


Ahhh, the life I have envisioned is sweet. My friends, as few as there are, will come visit me and be jealous of my situation. I won't take any joy from their jealousy, as that's a chick thing.

Reality. Check.

I will keep working at this job, or one like it that's not far away till most of my hairs that remain are grey. I will regret the vast majority of my life and have a feeling like I wasted it. I already feel this about my "youth".

This brings me to a realization. When I was younger, to be happy I thought I just had to be popular, then it would all come together (like that held true happiness to hang in a certain circle). Although I endlessly sought some acceptance, I took comfort from the fact that I was going places in life. Straight A student = "Great Success" as Borat would say. This is what i was told and fed, and what I ate up.

Now, I'd say that it's this big-picture that depresses me more than anything. My only comfort comes from day to day stuff, like The Simpsons and Seinfeld after work, Nacho Cheese Doritos, playing video games. But the big picture's been scraped away and it's revealed an ugly self portrait underneath. He mocks me. He knows what awaits. He revels in my failings and that I can't possibly attain all that I want. Damn him, look at that grin.

I could try~ to prove him wrong, but what's the use? He knows me better than I know he knows himself. ??? Anyway, he knows that I'm too lazy to even attempt to fail. What for?

Most endeavors just end up being a pain in the ass anyway, right? Isn't self-improvement just vain futilism? Can I really paint over the big picture when I don't have a brush? Or am I just too lazy to pick one up? Do people really ever achieve their dreams anymore? It seems like they do in commercials. How do I get cast in the role of happy commercial person #1. that's the role I want to play.

Maybe I should stop rambling and just finish this blog. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I could go for some doritos. Mmmmm, Doritooooooos..........

The Village Idiot

Yeah, that's me, or at least how I feel at times. I'm sure everybody has those moments where you're the last one to know something and you finding out was kind of an accident. Case in point, my old band is now a new band, playing covers. The way I found out was kind of accidental I suppose, and honestly it seems like this was concealed on purpose. I find that pretty funny. I understand maybe they felt uncomfortable telling me, or maybe I didn't even enter their mind as mattering on it, either way I guess I felt kinda slighted. They were right in that I don't want to do it. Personally I just think it's a little cheesy to make money off of someone else's music and I'm kinda against it from a moral standpoint. I don't think you're an asshole if you do it, I just choose not to. If you want money, get a job and suffer like everyone else; that's what I say. Plus I honestly wouldn't be interested in taking so much time to sit down and learn a bunch of these songs. I know I'd rather play video games than argue about which stupid songs to butcher. Driving out to Shawn's once a week is bad enough too as the drive seems soooo fucking long anymore, especially when we really aren't going anywhere without a bass player. I surely wouldn't want to do it to play covers. I still have fun just hanging out, bullshitting, and coming up with songs or working out ones I had in my head, but covers = no thank you.

But in life, good times come and go and all that's left is the depression of memories. Fortunately I'm content to sit at home and play video games, (which for some reason makes me some kind of joke, apparently). Ultimately, they are the only thing that makes everything else fade away into the background. Annoying job, friends get busy in "adulthood", frustrations, failures, relationships....it all dissipates. All that's left is me guiding little Pikmin to collect junk and fight plants and bugs, and no more nagging real life troubles.

Anyway, what the fuck does it matter, Bears season starts Sunday. These fuckers had better improve this year. I want Super Bowl victory within 4 years damnit!

Nothing interesting to write about...bleh.

Field Trip

I am feeling restless today. A ride in the car with cool weather, pretty clouds and a friendly, non-scorching sun make me yearn for a landscape free of concrete and noise...even free of my car ride itself. But lunch only lasts so long and it's back to work. A slight reprieve in my misery will come soon when I have to leave for a meeting in Orland. Gotta make sure suckas check they asses and not fuck up my dept.

But back to raggae.

"Raggae?", you ask. Yes, that's what I would be listening to as I lie on the beach in Hawaii or jamaica or whatever place better than here. Maybe it would be Dashboard Confessional's "A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar" instead. Some of the songs on that disc make me think of a cool breeze on a sunny beach. Some make me immeasurably sad. That kind of sadness that is melancholy and happy and yearning and desperate. Ahhh, to revel in the events of someone else's life. Is there anything more sad?

"Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, always remember..."

"...And you kissed me like you meant it / And I knew / That you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it..."


Ever hear a song you wished you'd written? Ever hear one that depicts a moment you will NEVER have?....

Well, off to my meeting..

Half Hour Until the Weekend

Not much really to note....I can't wait to get home though. I'm going to make a concerted effort to get a party of 6 to go earn some experience points tonight on my main job for my FFXI character. The amount needed at my level to keep advancing requires a lot of time and leaves little room for bad or unattentive players. Both annoy me severely. Tomorrow I will try to muster up 18 people to go fight 3 NoToRiOuS MoNsTerS in order to open up the ability to go beyond level 55. Gathering 18 people together out of say 5000 online may seem easy, but is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from it.

I plan on going to see the Bourne Supremacy Sunday at 11:30 am with my friend Keith. We will converse on the various beatdowns handed out by Mr. Damon and discuss what laws of physics/logic are ignored by the movie makers while we laugh and have a grand time.

I saw M. Night Shamalamadingdillydong's "The Village" last night. Hmmmm. Not super scary. I'd give it a total of roughly 3 out of 5 stars and it is getting credit for some really good acting. I dig Joaqchqchchqin Phoenix. I think he's been really good in everything I've seen him in...wonder how he got that scar on his lip though. I had this movie figured out before they let everyone else in on the usual M. Night Switcheroo. I'm so smart. ~~SMRT~~SMRT~~

I've been trying to cut down on my soda consumption. I really need to start taking better care of myself. Pepsi is yummy.....yet D E A D L Y.......well at least not really all that healthy.

Go watch Da' Ali G Show on HBO. Respect!

Nocturnal Emissions

Yetsreday I went to get my emission test for my car. Don't worry, I passed it. The thing worth noting about this was the unique individual who did the testing.

She was female, approximately 5'5" or so, hearing aid, plump figure, no neck(Really, NO neck), nasally voice, and generally odd demeanor. I would say she most closely resembles the Penguin portrayed by Danny Devito in Batman Returns. I wonder if her last name was Cobblepot, too.

All that's left now is to get my brakes done, and take my car back to Sears because it's already misaligned after I paid $70 for them to align it. Maybe it's due to the work that was just done on it, I dunno though. Also air is still leaking out o fthe driver's side front tire so I nee dto see if my rim is screwed up, because this is the second tire to do this on that wheel.

Nothing else is really worth noting other than I found out I could subscribe monthly to the Playboy channel and signed up for it about 15 minutes after discovering that fact. No way would I have paid per view because that shit would be too expensive, but $16 a month isn't too bad for some constantly fresh porn. Yay!

Fast track to Brokesville

Today I get to pay $80 for an AC belt and $170 for transmission maintenance service for my car. This qualifies as mega-sweet. I love spending money on stuff.

The dealer told me the mechanic didn't want to drive the car yet to see what the buzz by the muffler was because it was unsafe to drive. He'll try again after they fix the worn/broken bearing in the front passenger side wheel. (Update) They couldn't duplicate the noise that I hear ALL the time. Odd.....

Isn't it great that I was driving around in an unsafe car?!  And to think, I'm still alive and able to go to work every day. Yay!

Mother Nature's Bitch, Earth

Nice big storm yesterday. Trees down, canopies tossed all over town, garbage cans scattered about like dead bodies. Quite an eventful ten-fifteen minute storm.

Nothing cheers you up as much as hearing a dog bark relentlessly and a chopper hovering overhead at 6:30am, after a long night of having no electricity.

I think tonight I may stay in a hotel. The word is that power won't be restored till midnight....tentatively. And we all know how "tentative" things go.

Timeline of a morning

6:50 am
Wake up to alarm clock. Listen to Howard Stern Show playing.

7:25am
Get out of bed. (Span between alarm activation and actual getting out of bed explained by lack of desire or energy to pull yourself out of the only true place of peace you have left and face this cruel abyss of a world.)

7:30am
Do some situps and a few pushups. Convince yourself you actually just accomplished anything.

7:35am
Take a piss. Brush teeth. Shower. Masturbate if necessary. Today it doesn't seem to be.

7:45am
Get dressed. Realize that previous situps and pushups didn't matter because your pants are still too tight for your liking. Procrastinate for as long as possible before going to work.

8:10-8:15am
Arrive at work. Your starting time is 8am, but you don't care because you're the manager of your area and noone can really bother you about it.

8:15-8:20am
Turn on all devices in your office. Do some initial work, then begin to browse the Internet. Mix in actual work here and there to convince others, and yourself, that you are earning your meager paycheck.

10:15am
Finish this blog entry.

 

The Mexican Effect

10:35 Sunday morning. Shawn's phone goes straight to voicemail. Sergio's phone goes straight to voicemail. Hmm, let me drive around IHOP's parking lot and see if anyone's here yet. Nope, noone, nowhere. Am I being paid back for last weekend's events? Noone said we weren't practicing. I even spoke to Shawn on Wednesday and he said "I'll see you Sunday." I remember Shannon called me last Sunday so I look up her number in my log and call it. Shawn answers. I get the sense that he's going to tell me no practice will be going on. He confirms this by telling me Sergio informed him he'd be out of town. Ahhhh, good ol' Sergio.
 
So I drive back home and take this whole thing as a Sunday morning field trip. The whole while I'm plotting elaborate ways to bring about Sergio's demise. Actually, no I wasn't but I will now. Seems fun to do so.
 
I spent the day playing FFXI and watching Vietnam stuff on History Channel. I usually watch Discovery Channel for cool animal stuff all weekend, but I thought I'd go for a change of pace. Vietnam was fucked, yo. The South Vietnamese army folded quicker than clean underwear.
 
10:00ish pm.
 
Watched Ashton Kutcher's box office failure, The Butterfly Effect. I know the movie was panned by critics, but I actually liked it. I watched the Director's Cut, which I guess is six minutes longer. So I dunno if those six minutes really pulled this movie together or what, but as I said, I didn't think it was too shabby.
 
The lesson the movie seems to teach us is this. No matter how hard you try to fix things for yourself or others, you will inevitably fail. The reprecussions will in fact be uncharacteristically worse than the instance you tried to fix. Ultimately the only way to succeed is for you to never have existed in the first place, as you are a pox on humanity and a scar on the lives of those that have come to know you.
 
Pretty sad if you ask me.

The Importance of Being Important: A Brief Study in Public Displays of Idiocy

I own a cell phone. Most people do nowadays as well. Hell even twelve year old kids tote them around so that their parents can keep tabs on them and they can call each other and plan underage parties of debauchery and Playstation 2. However, I have and probably always will be annoyed by their existence and use in public.

I think as a collective, we can all agree we are in fact annoyed with these clever little devices that allow us to make our lives even more stressful and hectic than they were to begin with. I also believe what we find most annoying about them is others' usage and not our own. I mean face it, as a society, we've become completely intolerant of each other in every way shape and form.

Regardless of our intolerance for each other, (most of which is founded) I believe we have reason to hold contempt for those who walk around in the mall, sit in McDonald's, or stand at the teller line yammering away at some unidentified person on the other end. Most of the time it seems to really be like a display. "Look at me, I'm important enough to have a conversation". And WE all get to be part of it. It's really frustrating when you try to deal with these people or are behind them in a line. Everything moves at 50% speed because they're too wrapped up in their conersation, talking to Bob, Joe, Suzie, their boss, their mother, their sister, or whoever.

On top of this, technology has found a way to make it worse. Two-Way Phones. I'm talking about these phones that double as a walkie-talkie sort of device; you know, the Nextel and Boost Mobile phone bunch. Now not only do we get to hear one idiot blabber away about shit we don't care about, we get to hear that mysterious person on the other end. As if that wasn't enough, we also get a mind-numbing deluge of beeps and blips after every sentence. Now, as I'm sure this application has it's convenient uses, i.e. short little questions or answers. "Hey Bob, where you at?" Bleep "I'm over by Sears buying tires, meet me over there" Bleep Bleep. But, is it really necessary to have a half hour conversation in this mode? OF COURSE IT IS! How else will this person sitting ten feet away from us prove to the world how important they are? We all need to be aware that he's got people to talk to, places to go, and things to say. And we should ALL listen.

This is one of the few gripes I have with technology. It allows people to be bigger assholes than they were in less obnoxious times.

Expensive Rubber and Another Mystery Potentially Solved

$478.35. This is what I gave Sears yesterday. In exchange for this atrocious amount of money I received two new tires, the rotation of the other two (that I bought last year) and alignment of all four, and an oil change. Isn't owning a car sweet?!

In other news...

I find it that women easily create a sense of panic and chaos in the work place, or at least the ones at my job do. The slightest thing becomes the biggest ordeal. The smallest of disagreements, complaints, and miscommunications become the grudges not so readily forgotten.

"Why is this?", I ask.

Maybe it's that tricky extra X chromosome. Only having one, I find it hard to understand what problem is actually caused by having two of these. Maybe it's like the physics of magnets. You know, opposites attract and same charges repel. It is possible, if not probable, since these chromosomes are the same that they are in constant turmoil with each other. This type of constant dissonance could be why women are so emotionally fragile and unstable. Hmmm... We could further extend this into the discernable, non-microscopic world where women are often at odds with other women. There are way to many negative charges and all are rejecting each other. These charges are most likely stronger in women with favorable looks, as the strength of their genes, which result in more attractive features, results in a stronger magnetic strength, and thus a stronger opposing reaction.

What this all boils down to is simply referred to outside of the scientific community as "Cattiness". You may have possibly heard this term before.

Any future findings will be posted here.

English as a Second Language for English Speaking Americans Vol.1

I find it funny when people say "I could care less..." when what they really mean is "I COULDN'T care less...". If they really meant that they could actually care less about a given person, situation, etc. then they wouldn't really be making much of a point now would they?

Another hobby I don't need

I want to buy a camera. I've wanted to buy one for a few years now. I do already have a 35mm one that I bought for my trip to Europe in 2000. Ahhh Europe...but that's another topic.

Anyhow, when I really started looking into buying a serious camera, I found that what I would need to really get into the hobby would be an SLR Camera. The SLR stands for something which escapes me at the moment, but basically this is the type of camera you see wedding photographers or douchebag dads who think they're photo pros at Disney World using. You know, the ones taking pics of their kids frolicking and laughing and otherwise ruining their lives.

The SLR camera is the type where you can buy different types of lenses. They can be made for very close up shots or long distance ones. There's also really cool ones like fish-eye lenses, but these are usually pretty pricey. You can also buy different filters which affect the colors and tones of your shots.

Beyond this, there are also various settings to be adjusted given the situation and the look you're going for. I couldn't honestly give a detailed description of these as I haven't read a book or anything yet, but trust me, it's all very involved and thought based.

Based on that, I kinda think this wouldn't be a good hobby for me at the moment as I really don't have much motivation beyond sitting in front of my computer and playing a game. But I do still get that itch to go buy new toys.

Now on the other side of the coin, I think it'd be cool to buy a decent digital camera and be able to more easily see the results of my shots and maybe make a photo blog that I would submit pics to and maybe others could do the same. It's all very social and dorky and yeah...

These kinds of things are what you think about when you look at a Best Buy flyer.

Driving Mr. Lazy

Oops, I let my Driver's License expire. Maybe I should start paying more attention to my life. Hmm, it just seems like a boring thing to have to maintain, life I mean. Endless little details, like bills, expiration dates, being on time for work. For the last year or so I've been gradually working up and developing a nice method of general disregard and method of neglect as it relates to myself. So far it's been working out....hmm, well not so great. I was in good shape before, now I'm not. I had a valid driver's license before, now I do not. My car needs some general maintenance done that should have been done before. Certain aspects of my job, ignored and repressed. My relationship, taken for granted. There's things I should've done around the house...still undone.

So you may ask me, "What the hell have you been doing?"

Well for one, FFXI, an online video game. Yes, the parents, politicians, and ministers were all right all along. Video games ruin your life. Oh well, what DOESN'T ruin your life nowadays. If I didn't play video games I'd probably just end up with AIDS or cancer or a kid. :shiver:

Other than that though? I just don't feel like doing much. I'm tired of doing stuff. Besides, I think doing nothing is the new "doing something". What the hell is there to really do anyway, outside of go spend money to sit on your ass somewhere else?

I think after my band kinda fell apart, i.e. singer quit to pursue failure in a different basement and the bass player quit to go drinking, I just lost motivation to focus in any real endeavor. I'm probably better off in the long run because failure delayed is failure unrealized is failure that lies in wait. And who wants to wait to fail? Not me. I like to get right to it. I like for life to get to the point. I think we know each other well enough that it has enough respect for me to not make me wait for my constant comeuppance. What did I do to deserve said comeuppance? I dunno, more research will be necessary.

So what was my point? Oh yeah, my license expired. I went on my day off, Tuesday, to renew it. With this being the day after a 3-day weekend, I guess it was a bad idea. There looked to be about one hundred people in the Sec of State building. I don't think you could have packed one more unhappy soul in that fire hazard of a place. So I turned around and went to the express facility in Ford City mall. There was a line there that didn't look too appealing to me, so I turned around in defeat and went back home. I was not going to spend my day off in a damn line. No thanks.

So I went home to play my game...Server side Maintenance !! I wouldn't be able to play till 3pm...WTF! Thanks life. Once again you stymied my momentary happiness.

I took this opportunity to watch an Anime DVD that I had bought. It was parts 1-4 of the Ninja Scroll series and involved a ninja cutting demons in half and making witty retorts. I enjoyed it, as I tend to like witty retorts and things getting cut in half.

Anyhow, I need to go neglect work some more.